Healing.

There is little to say about the treatment at this point. Radiation is daily, and the people that treat me are warm and wonderful. It's a quick process, much like an x-ray, plus a weekly check-in with the radiation oncologist. Fatigue is expected and may be present, though I generally choose to ignore this (if I don't allow it, it can't be there, right?) I have maintained my routine of yoga and Pilates classes (no excuses), I eat vitamins and primarily organic foods—I am focused on taking care of this body.
But, there’s something more happening here. Beyond the physical aspects of healing there is personal and spiritual growth (which I disassociate with “religious” growth—if that exists). I am learning to be alone. Really alone. In fact, I am choosing “alone.” There are plenty of friends, old and new, whose loving notes, and actions, are daily reminders of how rich my life is with quality people. But no parent, lover, or baby to unconditionally love me, touch me, and envelope me. There is a protectiveness I feel toward myself and my body, an ownership of personal space that is new. Part of this is the healing, and the privacy created from an altered sense of self: scant hair, new and tender scars, sensitive skin, and a knowing that I am vulnerable (I have been touched by cancer).
To be honest, my focus did wander to those that have chosen to not be available, or able to show support, yes, ex’s in particular. Ah ha, my personal torture chamber? Recently, I have questioned why I made those choices and have (thankfully) chosen to let those ghosts go. The peace here is beautiful.

Note: I will admit this blog has transformed to a "journal" at this point, that seems to be where the writing is taking me. Rest assured, I haven’t lost my sense of humor. I feel like I am in one of those dreams where you find yourself naked at school—here it is, the kimono is off, take it or leave it. I’ve arrived at a new place, or I AM arriving. In retrospect of the last eight months, my life is altered and will never be the same.